The PosCast Holiday Draft
Before we get to the PosCast Holiday Draft, just a quick reminder that if you give JoeBlogs as a gift this holiday season — and, seriously, what could be a better gift — you will get a very special gift in your inbox on Christmas Day: A specially crafted preview of my new book WHY WE LOVE BASEBALL, which will be published by Dutton Books in September!
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OK, on with the show.
Yep, we at the PosCast did the Holiday Draft again. This one is bigger and longer and more ridiculous than ever.
This was — believe it or not or don’t care — the SIXTH Holiday Draft. Well, I couldn’t believe it. So I decided to give you a little breakdown of our six drafts so far, as well as an opportunity to vote on this year’s winner.
Holiday Draft I: Songs (2017)
Participants: Brandon McCarthy, Mike DiCenzo, Alan Sepinwall, Linda Holmes and Mike Schur.
Highlight: Linda Holmes skewering Mike Schur for his selection of “The Little Drummer Boy.”
Lowlight: Brandon kicked off the very first Holiday Draft in style by selecting the abomination that is Christmas Eve/Sarajevo by Trans-Siberian Orchestra. He still has not lived this down.
Winner: Linda Holmes
Holiday Draft II: Characters (2018)
Participants: Nick Offerman, Brandon McCarthy, Mike DiCenzo, Alan Sepinwall, Linda Holmes and Mike Schur.
Highlight: Linda Holmes decided to draft holiday characters that would help her achieve world domination.
Lowlight: In what would be the lowest moment in PosCast Holiday Draft history — at least until 2022 — Alan Sepinwall decided to outsmart everybody by selecting Phil Conners from “Groundhog Day” on the basis that the word holiday did not specify December holidays. He was given a six-month suspension by original PosCast commissioner David Stern.
Winner: Linda Holmes
Holiday Draft III: Food (2019)
Participants: Megan Amram (by proxy), Nick Offerman, Brandon McCarthy, Mike DiCenzo, Alan Sepinwall, Linda Holmes and Mike Schur
Highlight: Mike DiCenzo pointing out that ham only looks good in cartoons.
Lowlight: Several. Mike Schur drafting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as his holiday food. Brandon McCarthy announcing that the ultimate holiday food is Duck L’orange and then using his other two picks for a meal replacement shake and a black cup of decaf. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Winner: Nick Offerman
Holiday Draft IV: Movies (2020)
Participants: Jason Kander, Ellen Adair, Nick Offerman, Brandon McCarthy, Mike DiCenzo, Alan Sepinwall, Linda Holmes and Mike Schur.
Highlight: The very long and heated argument about the joke in the “Bad Santa 2”trailer where the kid says, “One time, I ate too much turkey bacon, I didn’t poop for two weeks … for four weeks.”
Lowlight: Jason Kander in his debut announced his intention to supplant Sepinwall as the true villain of the Holiday Draft by selecting “Independence Day.”
Winner: Mike DiCenzo
Holiday Draft V: Objects (2021)
Participants: Alexis Gay, Jason Kander, Ellen Adair, Nick Offerman, Brandon McCarthy, Mike Dicenzo, Alan Sepinwall, Linda Holmes and Mike Schur
Highlight: It might be Nick Offerman selecting Magic Mike the Robot, who famously said, “I am the atomic-powered robot! Please give my best wishes to everybody!” It also might be newcomer Alexis Gay selecting snowglobes based on her whimsy/utility matrix. It also might be Mike DiCenzo, after getting like 12 minutes of sleep because he’s a writer for “SNL,” drafting “Christmas tree” because it was the first thing that came to his head.
Lowlight: Jason Kander selected a video game console, a piano and Nerf guns.
Winner: Alexis Gay*
*Her victory has been disputed because of her post-draft promotions which PosCast commissioner Roger Goodell deemed “unseemly for something as pristine as the Holiday Draft.” He suspended Alexis for one month but allowed the victory to stand.
Holiday Draft VI: Lyrics (2022)
Participants: Molly Knight, Howard Bryant, Alexis Gay, Jason Kander, Ellen Adair, Nick Offerman, Brandon McCarthy, Mike Dicenzo, Alan Sepinwall, Linda Holmes and Mike Schur
And now you can choose who won the 2022 Holiday Draft! Because there were so many people, I had to break it up into two batches — you are more than welcome to vote for your favorite in each box or just select one overall pick. It’s the PosCast Holiday Draft — there are no rules.*
*This has taken on new meaning this year — new PosCast commissioner Gianni Infantino has ruled that competitors are allowed to court votes every however they like, including bribes. I would not be surprised to see some individual PosCast draft persuasion in the JoeBlog comments.
At the risk of adding too much meaning to a meaningless podcast, here are the picks during this year's Holiday Draft:
Jason Kander
1st pick: “O.J. Simpson, not a Jew. But guess who is? Hall of Famer, Rod Carew.” (Adam Sandler, The Hannukah Song)
2nd pick: “Carve the turkey, turn the ball game on. Make Bloody Mary's 'cause we all want one. Send somebody to the Stop 'N Go. We need some celery and a can of fake snow. A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprites. A box of Midol and some Salem Lights. Hallelujah, everybody say, "Cheese". Merry Christmas from the family (Robert Earl Keen, Merry Christmas From the Family)
3rd pick: “O.J. Simpson, still not a Jew. But guess who is? The guy who does the voice for Scooby-Do.” (Adam Sandler, The Hannukah Song, part 2)
Linda Holmes
1st pick: “Fa la la la la, la la la la.” (Deck the Halls)
2nd pick: “So on, with the boots, back out in the snow. To the only all-night grocery. When what to my wondering eyes should appear? In the line is that guy I've been chasing all year.” (The Waitress, Christmas Wrapping)
3rd pick: "I, " said the dove from the rafters high." I cooed him to sleep so he would not cry. We cooed him to sleep, my mate and I." (Sufjan Stevens, The Friendly Beasts)
Nick Offerman
1st pick: “Hey Charlie, for chrissakes. Do you want to know the truth of it? I don't have a husband. He don't play the trombone. I need to borrow money. To pay this lawyer. And Charlie, hey. I'll be eligible for parole. Come Valentine's Day” (Tom Waits, Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis)
2nd pick: “You're a bum. You're a punk. You're an old slut on junk. Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed. You scumbag, you maggot. You cheap lousy f-word. Happy Christmas your arse. I pray God it's our last. The boys of the NYPD choir. Still singing Galway Bay. And the bells are ringing out for Christmas day.” (The Pogues w/Kirsty MacColl, Fairytale of New York)
3rd pick: “Mary nodded. Pa rum pum pum pum. The ox and lamb kept time. Pa rum pum pum pum. I played my drum for him. Pa rum pum pum pum. I played my best for him. Pa rum pum pum pum, Rum pum pum pum, Rum pum pum pum. Then he smiled at me. Pa rum pum pum pum. Me and my drum.” (The Little Drummer Boy)
Brandon McCarthy
1st pick: “The word is out, about the town, to lift the glass, but don’t look down.” (Paul McCartney, Wonderful Christmastime)
2nd pick: “He won't be yelling out, "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" But he'll be screaming out, "No, no, no, no!" He's lying sick in bed. Call the doctor there instead. Santa Claus has got the AIDS this year.” (Tiny Tim, Santa Clause Has Got the AIDS This year)
3rd pick: “Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light. From now on your troubles will be out of sight.” (Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas)
Alexis Gay
1st pick: “Christmas time is here.” (Vince Guaraldi, instrumental; A Charlie Brown Christmas Special; N’Sync Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays)
2nd pick: “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” (by numerous artists)
3rd pick: “I am the clown with the tear-away face. Here in a flash and gone without a trace. I am the "who" when you call, "Who's there?" I am the wind blowing through your hair. I am the shadow on the moon at night. Filling your dreams to the brim with fright. This is Halloween, this is Halloween. Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! (This is Halloween, from The Nightmare Before Christmas)
Mike DiCenzo
1st pick: “Here we come a-wassailing, Among the leaves so green; Here we come a-wand’ring, So fair to be seen. Love and joy come to you, And to you your wassail too; And God bless you and send you A Happy New Year.” (Here We Come a Wassailing)
2nd pick: “Father Christmas, give us some money. We got no time for your silly toys. We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over. Give all the toys to the little rich boys.” (The Kings, Father Christmas)
3rd pick: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose.” (The Christmas Song)
Molly Knight
1st pick: “Please daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas. I don't want to see my mamma cry. Please daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas. I don't want to see my mamma cry. Just last year when I was only seven. Now I'm almost eight as you can see. You came home a quarter past eleven And fell down underneath our Christmas tree.” (John Denver, Please Daddy)
2nd pick: “He sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.” (Santa Clause is Coming to Town)
3rd pick: “Myrrh is mine. Its bitter perfume breathes. A life of gathering gloom. Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying. Sealed in the stone cold tomb.” (We three Kings)
Howard Bryant
1st pick: “Remember the time we swam naked in ur father’s pool? Boy, he was upset that night, but boy, was that ever cool.” (Prince, Another Lonely Christmas)
2nd pick: “I made cookies for Nicky like you used to do. But I got so damn sad that I ate one or two or them all.” (Alexander 23 & Laufey, Ain’t Christmas)
3rd pick: “You're as cuddly as a cactus. You're as charming as an eel. Mr. Grinch, you're a bad banana. Mr. Grinch, with the greasy black peel.” (You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch)
Alan Sepinwall
1st pick: “And the terrorists were overzealous. But it was sweet when they killed Ellis! And, with a little help from Allen, John McClane kicked ass!” (Guys Night, from the movie Die Hard)
2nd pick: “You got a beat up glove, a homemade bat and a brand new pair of shoes. You know I think it's time to give this game a ride.” (John Fogerty, Centerfield)
3rd pick: “You got sex hair, you got it from me girl.” (from Parks and Rec, written by Michael Schur)
4th pick: “The blues ain't nothin' like a pain in your heart, when you get a bad start, when you and your man have to part.” (Billie Holiday, Lady Sings The Blues)
Michael Schur
1st pick: “Santa honey, one little thing I really need. The deed to a platinum mine.” (Eartha Kitt, Santa Baby)
2nd pick: “Rhymes so loud and prod you hear it. It's Christmas time and we got the spirit. Jack Frost chillin', the hawk is out. And that's what Christmas is all about.” (Run-D.M.C., Christmas in Hollis)
3rd pick: “On our way from Stockholm, It started to snow, And you said it was like Christmas, But you were wrong, It wasn't like Christmas at all. By the time we got to Oslo, The snow was gone, And we got lost, The beds were small, But we felt so young.” (Low, Just Like Christmas)
Looking forward to "Holiday Places" in 2023, with Alexis picking "under the tree" and everyone else picking various places in Nakatomi Tower