Going 82-0

A quest to randomly generate a perfect NBA starting five.

Well, this is going to be a crazy BIG FAN day in New York. Podcasts. Media. Calls about projects. Going on Late Night with Seth Meyers. It’s the sort of day that I never in a million years could have seen coming.

Obviously, I started it by trying to go 82-0.

I’m not usually one to go all in on the latest internet game — I never got as into Immaculate Grid as everybody around me, and at some point, much to the dismay of friends and family, I just stopped playing Wordle and Connections and Spelling Bee. When everybody said that I just had to jump in on 82-0, I was skeptical about it. I played it a couple of times and, you know, meh. Did nothing for me.

That was probably because the first couple of times, I happened to land on both Sacramento and New Jersey in the 1980s … which, you know, as much as I enjoy Otis Birdsong and Super John Williamson, you’re not building an 82-0 team with those guys.

I guess I should explain the game for the few people who haven’t gotten caught up in the wave — you are trying to build a team of five NBA players. You hit the random generator, and it will give you a team and a decade. So, say, Washington in the 1970s, or Miami in the 2000s, or the New York Knicks in the 2020s.

And you pick a player, and then hit the random generator to get the next team.

You have to fill out an old-fashioned NBA team — so, you need a point guard, shooting guard, small forward, power forward, and center, which is not how it works AT ALL these days — and when you’re done, it gives you that team’s projected record.

You’re obviously trying to go 82-0.

It seems possible to go 82-0. Friends have done it. Mike Schur has done it twice.

I have not done it.

My best team went 77-5. That team had:

• PG: Jerry West

• SG: Michael Jordan

• SF: LeBron James

• PF: Patrick Ewing

• C: Dirk Nowitzki

And so I mindlessly play this game for hours at a time, just hitting that random generator again and again in hopes of getting Chicago in the 1990s, Cleveland in the 2000s, Philadelphia in the 1960s, and so on.

Let’s try it together, shall we:

— Roll roll roll roll … UTA 80s

OK, I could go with Karl Malone at power forward, although this was the Mailman before he really started delivering the mail. I could also go with John Stockton at point guard — this was before Stockton’s career really took off, but he was still a passing whirlwind. Adrian Dantley was probably Utah’s biggest star in the 1980s, but if I’m going to go 82-0, I can’t have Dantley at small forward.

Choice: John Stockton at Point Guard.

— Roll roll roll roll … GSW 2020s

The Warriors in the 2020s, obviously the choice is Steph, right? I hate using up both my guard slots this early, but when you have a shot at Steph, even an aging Steph, you’ve got to take it right?

Choice: Steph Curry at Shooting Guard

— Roll roll roll roll … MIL 2020s

Ugh, back-to-back 2020s teams. The clear choice is Giannis, naturally — I mean, Damian Lillard is great too, but he’s no Giannis Antetokounmpo — but now comes the question: Where do I put the Greek Freak. This has a chance to be a realliy good team, I think. Maybe not 82-0 but I think this team could win 70-plus games if I can land the final two spots. So where do I put Giannis — SF, PF or C?

I think I’ll go with power forward and hope to hit big on a small forward and center in my final two rolls.

Choice: Giannis Antetokounmpo at Power Forward.

Come on big center roll!

— Roll roll roll roll … UTA 1990s

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO … I guessed wrong with Giannis. I could have put him at small forward and then I’d have the power forward slot open for 1990s Karl Malone, one of the greatest power forwards in NBA history.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO … OK, well, I have to fill out the club. So I have a small forward position open for Thurl Bailey, I guess. I always liked Thurl Bailey. Good player. Solid player. Got a lot of defensive rebounds, in my memory. And I like the name “Thurl.” I’m surprised it hasn’t caught on. But Thurl Bailey isn’t getting this team to 82-0.

Choice: Thurl Bailey at Small Forward

— Roll roll roll roll … MEM 1990s

Ugh. First of all, there were no Memphis Grizzlies in the 1990s; they were in Vancouver. Remember that? Also, I’m not going to get much of a center out of Vancouver in the 1990s. I mean, Shareef Abdur-Raheem wasn’t bad, but yeah, he’s not going to get it done.

Choice: Shareef Abdur-Raheem at Center

I’ll predict this is a 58-win team at best, which is crushing after getting Stockton, Steph, and Giannis with the first three picks. Let’s see what we got:

Final record: 57-25.

So, of course, I’m already building another team … and I’m off to a good start with Nikola Jokić at center! And then — it’s the Clippers in the 1980s, so this team is wrecked. Fine, we’ll put on my childhood heroes World B. Free at shooting guard, oh, and hey, we get Miami in the 2000s, so that’s Dwyane Wade at point guard. And then they give me … Memphis in the 1990s again???

Are you serious, 82-0?

Fine, I’ll take Abdur-Rahim again. And then they give me MEMPHIS IN THE 1990s AGAIN!!!!!

I hate this game so much.

And yet, here we go again. Lakers 2010s — LeBron! Houston 1980s — Moses Malone! Golden State 1970s — Rick Barry! We’ve got some underhand free throws coming! Come on, this could be the one. Los Angeles 1960s — Jerry West at shooting guard! Come on, baby, just need a great power forward and … OKC, 2020s? Well, not legendary, but Jalen Williams is very good. Let’s see what we’ve got!

Projected record: 72-10!

Now we’re getting somewhere. But are we getting anywhere? Probably not. If you don’t see me on Seth Meyers, you’ll know I’m back at the hotel trying to get to 82-0. Pray for me.

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