FHS: Introducing the Double Down!

OK, time now for our weekly Football Happiness Scale update. For those of you who missed the first week, Mike Schur and I invented a new scale for being a football fan. What we do is rank the teams in the order that we want them to win — with +16 being the team we want most to win and -16 being the team we want most to lose — and then we play it out and see just how happy or sad the week will end up.

Last Week’s Results

Mike: +56 happiness week
Joe: +38 happiness week

Mike had a happier first week than I did, largely because the Patriots beat the Steelers, which was a very happy win for him and only a slightly happy win for me. To be honest, watching the game, I don’t even think I even wanted the Patriots to win. I have loathed the Steelers all my life — as a born-and-raised Clevelander is meant to do — but if I’m being honest now, I’ve also respected the Steelers. It has been like loathing your big brother for beating up on you all the time.

This week, I actually moved the Steelers up a bit on my scale. That’s another thing about the Happiness Scale — it changes week to week based on our changing emotions. This week, for instance, you will see a surprise No. 1 team for me.

We added one more feature to the Happiness Scale — each week, we will have a double-down game, where we are investing a bit extra. Now, let’s go to the schedule!

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Cleveland 29, Pittsburgh 17

Mike: Browns -15 vs. Steelers -2 — a 13-point happiness loss
Joe: Browns +1 vs. Steelers -8 — a 9-point happiness win

Mike is thoroughly disgusted with the Browns for the whole Deshaun Watson fiasco — and disgusted by those fans who have decided to embrace Watson’s obsession for sexual assault before he has even taken a single snap — and has Cleveland as his second-least favorite team. I share the disgust, though I want to believe that most Browns fans do not support Watson’s behavior but understand that being a fan, particularly in the NFL, requires some moral twisting. Anyway, I could never root against the Browns, particularly vs. the Steelers, and so while I can’t say I was overjoyed by the victory (and hardly watched it), I continue to love Nick Chubb.

New Orleans at Carolina

Mike: Saints +3 vs. Panthers -5 — an 8-point game
Joe: Saints -1 vs. Panthers +6 — a 7-point game

Neither one of us has much invested in this game — Mike has a slight aversion to the Panthers, so it means a little bit more to me. I continue looking for a reason to like the Panthers more since I live in Charlotte, but the team just leaves me cold. And watching Baker Mayfield play without a great deal of emotion invested is a pretty eye-opening experience: He’s kind of terrible.

Houston at Chicago

Mike: Texans -10 vs. Bears -6 — a 4-point game
Joe: Texans —10 vs. Bears +13 (DOUBLE-DOWN GAME!) — a 46-point game

OK, while this is a no-emotion game for Mike, I will have HUGE emotions for it because:

1. I’m going to the game with my friend and enormous Bears fan Jeff

2. We’re taking our younger daughter, Katie

3. It will be the first NFL game of her life

The Bears have an incredible opportunity here to become our new team. If they can win over Katie, it will be awfully tough for me to choose a different team. However, if they can’t win over Katie, they will drop out of the running. So, as you can so, I’m doubling down my happiness on this game.

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Joe

Kansas City at Indianapolis

Mike: Chiefs +13 vs. Colts -3 — a 16-point game
Joe: Chiefs +16 vs. Colts -6 — a 22-point game

We both just marginally dislike the Colts. I can’t say why, exactly. I pointed out to Mike on the PosCast that he marginally dislikes the Colts and the Jaguars even though they are the NFL teams that were featured prominently in his two shows “Parks and Rec” (they twice shot shows in Lucas Oil Stadium) and “The Good Place” (Jason Mendoza was the world’s biggest Jaguars fan). The Chiefs remain No. 1 on my list for the time being.

Buffalo at Miami

Mike: Bills +16 vs. Dolphins +6 — a 10-point game
Joe: Bills +15 vs. Dolphins +12 — a 3-point game

Both of us moved the Dolphins up on our happiness charts after their stunning comeback against the Ravens last week. Mike moved them up eight spots! The Dolphins do look like a very fun team, and their coach, Mike McDaniel, might be an actual football genius. Of course, we will see. Meanwhile, we both love that Bills team.

Detroit at Minnesota

Mike: Lions +11 vs. Vikings +12 — a 1-point game
Joe: Lions +14 vs. Vikings +2 — a 12-point game

I don’t fully get why Mike likes the Vikings so much. I mean, I don’t have anything against the Vikings — they’re in positive numbers for me this week — but Mike seems to REALLY like them. It’s funny, the Vikings fans I’m friends with have consistently told me: Don’t become a Vikings fan. The Lions have moved into the No. 3 slot for me this week.

Baltimore at New England

Mike: Ravens -14 vs. Patriots +14 — a 28-point game
Joe: Ravens -7 vs. Patriots -14 — a 7-point game

I’m not falling for it this week. I am required by law to loathe the Ravens because they are the old Cleveland Browns, but must admit that I’m not feeling the antipathy this year. I like Lamar Jackson too much. Meanwhile, it’s time to come clean with myself: While I have many friends (including Mike) who are lifelong Patriots fans and I want them to be happy, I’m sorry, I cannot abide the Patriots, and I think it’s time for Belichick to retire and unless they’re playing the Cowboys or Washington Football Team, I will not get even an ounce of happiness when they win.

Ya gotta like Lamar Jackson, right? (Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Cincinnati at New York Jets

Mike: Bengals +5 at New York Jets +2 — a 3-point game
Joe: Bengals -2 at New York Jets +4 — a 6-point game

I made a huge miscalculation last week. I tried to root for the Bengals. It just made so much sense — they’re an Ohio team, founded by Paul Brown, one of my best friends is a Bengals fan, I lived in Cincinnati for a while and like it a lot, the team has an appealingly checkered history, Joe Burrow is awesome …

But sometimes emotion doesn’t make sense. You know that creepy scene in “Back to the Future” where Marty’s mom kisses him and then just senses that it’s wrong? That’s what it was like rooting for the Bengals. They drop 15 spots this week.

Las Vegas at Tennessee

Mike: Raiders -9 vs. Titans -8 — a one-point game
Joe: Raiders -12 vs. Titans +3 — a 15-point game

Mike really doesn’t like those Titans. I’m not sure exactly how he has developed animosity for the Titans — maybe he’s mad that they’re the former Houston Oilers? I am a lifelong Oakland Raiders hater — I always thought it was great fun to hate the Raiders. It doesn’t feel quite as much fun now that they’re in Las Vegas; they feel so much blander and antiseptic. Hating the Las Vegas Raiders is like hating, I don’t know, the Tommy Bahama store at the mall. I’m going to keep trying.

Philadelphia at Washington

Mike: Eagles +8 vs. Commanders -12 — a 20-point game
Joe: Eagles +11 vs. Washington Football Team -15 — a 26-point game

Big happiness game for both of us. I have to say, I continue to be drawn to that Eagles team. There’s something there — about the uniforms, the city, the history, something kind of appealing. Neither of us can abide the Washington Football Team Commanders.

Jacksonville at Los Angeles Chargers

Mike: Jaguars -7 vs. Chargers +15 — a 22-point game
Joe: Jaguars -3 vs. Chargers +5 — an 8-point game

Mike’s all in on the Chargers, and I get it — that’s a super-fun team, and their quarterback, Justin Herbert, is a super-fun player and the Chargers have never won a Super Bowl and all that. But I cannot get over that team being just stripped away from San Diego. I have this as an 8-point game for the Chargers, but I wouldn’t be surprised if, when push comes to shove, I find myself actually rooting for the Jaguars. I kind of enjoyed that team last week.

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Los Angeles Rams at Arizona

Mike: Rams +9 vs. Cardinals +10 — a 1-point game
Joe: Rams -4 vs. Cardinals +9 — a 13-point game

I’m keeping the Cardinals as a +9 team, even though I didn’t enjoy rooting for them last week as much as I thought I would. Other than Kyler Murray — who is fun to watch in that “do they even call plays in Arizona?” sort of way — that team is not especially enjoyable. I suspect the Rams will move up my list as the season goes on; I don’t exactly dislike them, but I do dislike that owner very much and loathe what they did to St. Louis. Then again, if disliking owners actually mattered, none of us would like any NFL team.

Atlanta at Seattle

Mike: Falcons +7 vs. Seahawks -1 — an 8-point game
Joe: Falcons -5 vs. Seahawks +8 — a 13-point game

I don’t know how Mike feels about his rankings here, but I don’t like mine. I cannot imagine this really being a 13-point game for me — I don’t really dislike the Falcons minus-5 or like the Seahawks plus-8. But those were the slots they fell in because these are two teams that I don’t care enough about to slot. I mildly dislike the Falcons, I mildly like the Seahawks, I don’t actually care who wins this game. I might suggest to Mike next week that in addition to a double-down game, we have a “Who cares?” game where the game is simply taken off the books.

Green Bay at Tampa Bay

Mike: Packers -13 vs. Buccaneers +4 (DOUBLE DOWN!) — a 34-point game
Joe: Packers -11 vs. Buccaneers -13 — a 2-point game

Mike’s doubling down on this one: “My theory is that if you already have a 28-point game (Patriots vs. Ravens), the double-down actually works against the system because it obliterates all the other results. So, if Brady beats Rodgers, who I truly hate, the double down will kind of make up for a theoretical Pats loss.” Makes sense to me.

I don’t care who wins this game one bit; I’d like them both to lose. I had the Packers in positive numbers last week because I like Green Bay a lot, and I like the fans, but I did forget just how annoying Aaron Rodgers has become, and Brett Favre being a scumbag doesn’t help the ol’ Packers karma score either.

San Francisco at Denver

Mike: 49ers +1 vs. Broncos -11 — a 12-point game
Joe: 49ers +10 vs. Broncos -9 — a 19-point game

On my end, 19 points feels just a little bit high — then I remember John Elway and think, no, it’s not nearly high enough.

Dallas at New York Giants

Mike: Cowboys -16 vs. Giants -4 — a 12-point game
Joe: Cowboys -16 vs. Giants +8 — a 24-point game

OK, I don’t know how it happened, but I kind of like the Giants now. Maybe it’s because Daniel Jones went to high school literally around the corner from where I live. Maybe it’s because I feel bad for bashing my friend Alan Sepinwall all the time over the Yankees (nah). Maybe it’s because they’ve been so unbelievably bad and dumb the last few years that I want better things for them. I don’t know, but I really want the Giants to win this game. I’m invested.