My Baseball Masterpiece (Really!)

OK, you know how you’re never supposed to hype something beforehand?

Like: You never want to go up to people and say, “Oh, I’ve got a really funny joke.” Well, I’m about to break that rule.

I think the following list of the 100 greatest players is the best thing I’ve ever done.

Now, let me be clear: I’m not talking about the list itself. It’s just a Top 100 prediction list of the best players in 2025, and it’s probably worse than most. You’ll disagree with half of it, at least. And I’m not exactly talking about the writing either. Or the research.

I’m talking about this: For every single one of the 100 greatest baseball players, I include an inane and utterly pointless one-line fact that you might have found on the back of an old-school baseball card. For some, I even included what the accompanying baseball card cartoon drawing would look like (I’m sure you’ll be able to envision the rest).

This is for all of you nerds like me who religiously collected baseball cards from, say, 1954 to about, oh, I don’t know when they stopped putting goofy facts on the back of baseball cards. Maybe they still do.

I believe it’s my masterpiece.

No. 100: Brenton Doyle, Colorado Rockies (No. 10 Center Fielder)

Fired a ball from centerfield at 105.7 mph, the fastest throw clocked by Statcast™ all year.

No. 99: Tyler Glasnow, Los Angeles Dodgers (No. 20 Starting Pitcher)

Tyler was the 2014 Florida State League pitcher of the year while hurling for the Bradenton Marauders.

No. 98: Teoscar Hernández, Los Angeles Dodgers (No. 9 Right Fielder)

Teoscar hit his first grand slam off the Angels’ Sam Selman on 8/11/21.

No. 97: Logan Gilbert, Seattle Mariners (No. 19 Starting Pitcher)

Logan was voted by his Mariners teammates as the least likely member of the team to be a good babysitter.

No. 96: Randy Arozarena, Seattle Mariners (No. 9 Left Fielder)

Hit 10 home runs during the 2020 postseason, a Major League record!

No. 95: Vinnie Pasquantino, Kansas City Royals (No. 7 First Baseman)

Vinnie played for Team Italy in the 2023 World Baseball Classic! (fact placed next to cartoon of a baseball player eating pasta in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa)

No. 94: Emmanuel Clase, Cleveland Guardians (No. 7 Relief Pitcher)

Emmanuel is nicknamed “La Kabra,” which means “The Goat.” And he doesn’t even have goats on his ranch in Rio San Juan.

No. 93: Bryan Reynolds, Pittsburgh Pirates (No. 8 Left Fielder)

Bryan belted a game-winning home run against Missouri while playing for Vanderbilt, 3/25/2016.

No. 92: Christian Yelich, Milwaukee Brewers (No. 8 Designated Hitter)

Christian appeared as himself in the television show Magnum P.I.

No. 91: Luis Robert Jr. Chicago White Sox (No. 8 Center Fielder)

Nicknamed La Pantera — The Panther — by teammate Yoan Moncada after he watched the movie “Black Panther.”

No. 90: Ian Happ, Chicago Cubs (No. 7 Left Fielder)

Ian was a member of the 2017 Topps All-Star Rookie team.

No. 89: Yoshinobu Yamamoto, Los Angeles Dodgers (No. 18 Starting Pitcher)

Yoshi threw a no-hitter against the Saitama Seibu Lions on 6/18/2022.

No. 88: Luis Arráez, San Diego Padres (No. 7 Designated Hitter)

Nicknamed La Regadera — the sprinkler — for the way he splashes hits all over the field.

No. 87: Edwin Díaz, New York Mets (No. 6 Relief Pitcher)

On 5/17/2022, Edwin and his brother Alexis became the third set of siblings to record a save on the same day.

No. 86: Anthony Santander, Toronto Blue Jays (No. 8 Right Fielder)

Anthony loves to play chess. (fact next to cartoon of a baseball player hovering over a chess board with the thought bubble: “This is how I learn to check my swing!”).

No. 85: Spencer Strider, Atlanta Braves (No. 17 Starting Pitcher)

Spencer threw out the first pitch at a Faye Webster show in Athens, Georgia.

No. 84: Jazz Chisholm Jr., New York Yankees (No. 7 Second Baseman)

Jazz’s full name is Jasardo Hermis Arrington Chisholm Jr.

No. 83: Willy Adames, San Francisco Giants (No. 10 Shortstop)

Willy hit for the Cycle on 4/23/2018 while playing for the Durham Bulls.

No. 82: Dylan Cease, San Diego Padres (No. 16 Starting Pitcher)

Wears No. 84 because of the 84 asanas in yoga (fact next to cartoon of ballplayer in full uniform performing Tadasana, the Mountain Pose). 

No. 81: Brendan Donovan, St. Louis Cardinals (No. 6 Second Baseman)

Brendan was born in Würzburg, Germany!

No. 80: Royce Lewis, Minnesota Twins (No. 7 Third Baseman)

Royce was named the Midwestern League Prospect of the Year in 2018.

No. 79: Christian Walker, Houston Astros (No. 6 First Baseman)

Christian and his wife Amanda named their two cats Kit and Dottie after the sisters in “A League of Their Own.”

No. 78: Felix Bautista, Baltimore Orioles (No. 5 Relief Pitcher)

Felix’s favorite baseball restaurant is Chipotle.

No. 77: Gabriel Moreno, Arizona Diamondbacks (No. 7 catcher)

Had four hits in a game on 9/15/2023 against the Chicago Cubs.

No. 76: Marcell Ozuna, Atlanta Braves (No. 6 Designated Hitter)

Marcell’s cousin Pablo played in the major leagues from 2000-08 (fact next to cartoon of one baseball player telling another, “Hey cuz, see you in the big leagues someday!”).

No. 75: Matt McLain, Cincinnati Reds (No. 5 Second Baseman)

Matt’s mother Wendi was an All-American softball player at Orange Coast (fact next to Mom, swinging a bat, telling young son, “This is how you do it!”).

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