My Baseball Masterpiece (Really!)

OK, you know how you’re never supposed to hype something beforehand?

Like: You never want to go up to people and say, “Oh, I’ve got a really funny joke.” Well, I’m about to break that rule.

I think the following list of the 100 greatest players is the best thing I’ve ever done.

Now, let me be clear: I’m not talking about the list itself. It’s just a Top 100 prediction list of the best players in 2025, and it’s probably worse than most. You’ll disagree with half of it, at least. And I’m not exactly talking about the writing either. Or the research.

I’m talking about this: For every single one of the 100 greatest baseball players, I include an inane and utterly pointless one-line fact that you might have found on the back of an old-school baseball card. For some, I even included what the accompanying baseball card cartoon drawing would look like (I’m sure you’ll be able to envision the rest).

This is for all of you nerds like me who religiously collected baseball cards from, say, 1954 to about, oh, I don’t know when they stopped putting goofy facts on the back of baseball cards. Maybe they still do.

I believe it’s my masterpiece.

Fired a ball from centerfield at 105.7 mph, the fastest throw clocked by Statcast™ all year.

Tyler was the 2014 Florida State League pitcher of the year while hurling for the Bradenton Marauders.

Teoscar hit his first grand slam off the Angels’ Sam Selman on 8/11/21.

Logan was voted by his Mariners teammates as the least likely member of the team to be a good babysitter.

Hit 10 home runs during the 2020 postseason, a Major League record!

Vinnie played for Team Italy in the 2023 World Baseball Classic! (fact placed next to cartoon of a baseball player eating pasta in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa)

Emmanuel is nicknamed “La Kabra,” which means “The Goat.” And he doesn’t even have goats on his ranch in Rio San Juan.

Bryan belted a game-winning home run against Missouri while playing for Vanderbilt, 3/25/2016.

Christian appeared as himself in the television show Magnum P.I.

Nicknamed La Pantera — The Panther — by teammate Yoan Moncada after he watched the movie “Black Panther.”

Ian was a member of the 2017 Topps All-Star Rookie team.

Yoshi threw a no-hitter against the Saitama Seibu Lions on 6/18/2022.

Nicknamed La Regadera — the sprinkler — for the way he splashes hits all over the field.

On 5/17/2022, Edwin and his brother Alexis became the third set of siblings to record a save on the same day.

Anthony loves to play chess. (fact next to cartoon of a baseball player hovering over a chess board with the thought bubble: “This is how I learn to check my swing!”).

Spencer threw out the first pitch at a Faye Webster show in Athens, Georgia.

Jazz’s full name is Jasardo Hermis Arrington Chisholm Jr.

Willy hit for the Cycle on 4/23/2018 while playing for the Durham Bulls.

Wears No. 84 because of the 84 asanas in yoga (fact next to cartoon of ballplayer in full uniform performing Tadasana, the Mountain Pose).

Brendan was born in Würzburg, Germany!

Royce was named the Midwestern League Prospect of the Year in 2018.

Christian and his wife Amanda named their two cats Kit and Dottie after the sisters in “A League of Their Own.”

Felix’s favorite baseball restaurant is Chipotle.

Had four hits in a game on 9/15/2023 against the Chicago Cubs.

Marcell’s cousin Pablo played in the major leagues from 2000-08 (fact next to cartoon of one baseball player telling another, “Hey cuz, see you in the big leagues someday!”).

Matt’s mother Wendi was an All-American softball player at Orange Coast (fact next to Mom, swinging a bat, telling young son, “This is how you do it!”).

Hunter is a talented painter.

Devin participated in the 2019 Futures Game!

Masyn recorded his first hit on 8/18/2023. After Pete Alonso inadvertently tossed the ball into the stands, the fan returned it so Masyn could have it as a keepsake.

Kyle’s first major league hit was a triple off Cleveland’s Shawn Marcum, 6/17/2015.

Ceddanne played in the 2012 Little League World Series for Curacao.

Aaron is one of only two pitchers to make 32 starts in every full season since 2018.*

Scouts say that Cade Smith throws an “invisible fastball” (fact next to cartoon of pitcher on the mound smiling while batter turns to shrugging umpire who says, “I didn’t see a thing”).

J.T. is an excellent ping-pong player.

Junior spent the winter of 2022-23 playing baseball in Perth, Australia! (fact next to cartoon of a baseball player sitting in the dugout next to a kangaroo).

Riley loves to fish — but not at the plate!

His father Lee Jong-beom was a baseball star in Korea known as “Son of the Wind.” He is known as “Grandson of the Wind.”

Sonny is the active Major League leader in wild pitches.

Carlos learned English by writing movie reviews on the website “Rotten Tomatoes.”

Jose hit for the cycle on 8/29/2023 at Boston.

Ryan threw a pitch of 103.1 mph on 5/1/2022 against Arizona.

Brent won the C. Spire Ferriss Trophy in 2017 as the best collegiate player in Mississippi.

Nico graduated from Stanford with a degree in American Studies (fact next to cartoon of player in full uniform wearing an academic cap with tassel and holding a diploma).

Max patterned his curveball after legendary lefty Sandy Koufax!

Hit his first big-league home run on 5/21/2023 against Miami’s Jesús Luzardo.

Nicknamed “Evel Knievel” as a boy for his fearless, action-hero style of play (fact next to cartoon of a baseball player on a motorcycle chasing a fly ball. “I got it!” he shouts).

Byron owns a coffee shop in his hometown of Baxley, Georgia.

Blake owns more than 400 pairs of shoes (fact next to cartoon of baseball player opening a closet and hundreds of shoes falling out. “That’s shoe business!” he says).

Made the First-Team American Baseball Coaches Association/Rawlings Mideast All-Region Team while at Waynesburg in 2019.

Steven is an avid journaler.

Jacob’s first job was working at a fernery (fact next to cartoon of baseball player standing next to large fern. “You’ll want to avoid direct sunlight,” he is telling the fern).

He hit his first Major League triple on 6/29/20 against Boston.

Cody was named National League Rookie of the Month in May 2017 and then again in June!

Pete Alonso enjoys cooking, especially meats. (fact next to baseball player wearing an apron in front of a grill and holding a spatula. “Burgers are almost ready!” he is saying).

Alex owns several thoroughbred racehorses.

Corbin struck out 14 batters in a game against Cleveland on 9/11/2021.

As a kid, Michael would pick flowers in the outfield during games. (Next to cartoon of kid baseball player smelling a flower. “Sometimes, you’ve just got to smell the roses!”).

Will hit two doubles and a home run in Washington on 7/27/2019

Trea’s slide on 8/11/2021 was made into a bobblehead doll.

Teammate Jarred Kelenic nicknamed him “Big Dumper” after his large posterior.

Garrett studied nuclear engineering at the University of Tennessee (fact next to baseball player in a lab coat and goggles).

Nicknamed “Carita,” which means “Baby Face.”

Manny wears different colognes on the field but he will stay with the same cologne when he’s hitting well!

Matt was hit by a pitch for the first time by James Shields on 6/25/2017.

Jarren participated in the 2019 Futures Game!

Brandon enjoys Cheez-It crackers. Logan enjoys Cheez-It crackers.

Wears pink every day because it’s his mother’s favorite color.

Elly hit for the cycle on 6/23/2023.

Served as a bat boy for the Cal State Fullerton Titans. (fact next to cartoon of boy carrying a bat to a player at the plate with the thought bubble “Someday, I’ll be the one hitting!”).

Gave teammate Miguel Rojas three bottles of sake and drink glasses in exchange for his No. 11 jersey. (Roki wears No. 11 to honor his hero Yu Darvish!)

Adley’s favorite movie is “The Shawshank Redemption.”

Mike owns a weather balloon that tracks temperature, humidity and wind speed.

Jackson had four singles on 4/7/.2024.

Marcus is a fan of the NBA Golden State Warriors.

Austin hit for the cycle on 10/26/2017 for the Peoria Javelinas in the Arizona Fall League.

Ronald became the youngest player to hit a postseason grand slam on 10/7/2018.

William’s brother Willson plays for the St. Louis Cardinals (next to cartoon of two brothers in baseball uniforms looking at a family album. “You were such a cute baby!” one says).

Chris was the Atlantic Sun Conference pitcher of the year in 2010!

Freddie enjoys doing crossword puzzles. (Cartoon of baseball player sitting with a newspaper and looking up at the sky. Thought bubble: “Hmm. What’s a three-letter word for ‘Baseball’s Mel.’”

Was named the American League pitcher of the month in August 2023.

Was the 2022 Player of the Year in the Carolina League while playing for the Carolina Mudcats.

Vlad’s father, Vladimir Guerrero Sr., was a baseball player!

Zack recorded his first Major League strikeout on 6/18/2013 when he whiffed childhood friend Jason Heyward.

Ketel is a cousin of Vladimir Guerrero Jr., who is the son of former Major League baseball player Vladimir Guerrero Sr.

Bryce enjoys making lattes and believes he could be a successful barista.

Corey was named California League Player of the Year in 2014 when he played for the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes.

Tarik remodeled his own home in Arizona (fact next to cartoon of baseball player holding a hammer in his baseball glove saying, “OK, time for the drywall!”).

José led the American League in sacrifice hits in 2014.

Kyle was the clubhouse DJ in Houston! (Fact next to cartoon of a smiling ballplayer with headphones on while musical notes play over his head. “Wait ‘til they hear these tunes!” he’s thinking).

Julio is a big fan of anime, particularly Naruto, a young ninja with big dreams.

Corbin attended Lakeside High School in Seattle, the alma mater of Microsoft founder Bill Gates and television Batman Adam West. (Fact next to cartoon of ballplayer in uniform standing next to Batman. “To the Batmobile,” the Batman says).

Yordan participated in the 2017 and 2018 Futures Games!

Francisco’s favorite Formula One driver is Lewis Hamilton.

Gunnar enjoys trading jerseys with other players so he can hang them in his man cave at home.

Paul recorded his first Major League balk on 9/16/2024.

Juan enjoys playing dominoes.

Mookie has bowled five 300 games. (fact next to cartoon of baseball player in full uniform about to bowl and pins thinking “Oh no! It’s Mookie again!”).

Hit his first big league home run on 08/13/2016 off Tampa Bay’s Matt Andriese.

Bobby enjoys collecting baseball cards (fact next to cartoon of baseball player holding up a card and saying, “Hey, it’s me!”)

Shohei is both a hitter and a pitcher, and he says his hobby is “sleeping.”