I'm Not Staying Up for New Year's

I’ve made a decision — and I readily admit it’s an old-person decision. But here it is: I’m not staying up for New Year’s this year. Every year, I stay up … and I spend the last 87 or so minutes of the year watching terrible television as semi-celebrities lip-sync in frigid weather at Times Square or on the Grand Ole Opry Stage in Nashville. Forget it. I’m going to bed at like 10 this year, I’ll fall asleep with a book on my chest, and I’ll wake up in 2026 and watch That Thing You Do with the family like we do every year.

That’s a tradition worth keeping.

OK, here’s the last Monday Rewind of 2025!

All game long — and I mean right up to the final few seconds — the same thought kept playing in my mind: How will the Browns blow this game? Blowing games like this is the Browns’ business, and there’s nobody in football better.

I don’t think this just happens, by the way. I’m convinced the Browns spend more time practicing blowing games than any other team. You can’t be this good at something without practice.

I think starting on the first day of OTAs, coaches emphasize again and again:

The Browns tried a few of these old standards Sunday against the Steelers, but Pittsburgh stubbornly kept trying to lose the game anyway, even though a victory would have sealed them the division title. They dropped a pick-six. They went for it on fourth and one in field goal range, and instead of running the ball, they tried some dumb over-the-top bomb play that had exactly a 0.0% chance of working. Aaron Rodgers looked like a quarterback who should have retired three years ago.

But I know these Browns, and they don’t give up losses easily.

And they did try to lose this game … I mean, they gave Rodgers and the Steelers about 500 chances to win. But here’s the thing about the 2025 Cleveland Browns: That defense is no joke. I don’t know if this is the greatest defense ever for a four-win team, but it’s gotta be in the photograph. The Browns have the No. 1 pass defense in the NFL. You throw against them at your own risk.

The defense is, of course, led by Myles Garrett — he did not get his record-breaking sack on Sunday, but he still dominated the game because the Steelers were SO UTTERLY DETERMINED not to let him get the record-breaking sack. They ran the ball when they would normally pass. Rodgers got rid of the ball too quickly to avoid becoming a part of history. I have watched Myles Garrett religiously for nine years now, so this is coming from a pretty biased source: I think he’s the most dominating defensive player in NFL history.

And the Browns are 53-79-1 in games that he’s played.

It takes a special kind of incompetence to be that bad with a player that good.

But the point of the diary, more than anything, is to talk about what being a fan of a terrible team feels like, and Sunday’s game felt pretty great. Beating the Steelers always feels good; potentially knocking them out of the playoffs feels even better (Pittsburgh will now have to beat Baltimore on Sunday night to make the playoffs).

Honestly, this could have been a franchise-defining game for the Steelers. I could imagine:

Well, a fella can dream.

I don’t actually announce who I voted for — we always save that for announcement day — but I do talk a bit about the Hall of Fame. And I get fountain pen ink all over my hands! And I am wearing my new fedora! So, basically, it’s a must-watch video.

I cannot get enough of Joe Burrow. I just think he’s the coolest … and have ever since he was in high school in Athens, Ohio.

So you might know that Burrow comes up with cool gifts to get for his offensive linemen every year. Last year, he got them samurai swords.

This year, he bought them fossils. Actual, prehistoric, dinosaur, bear and woolly mammoth fossils. This apparently was inspired by the team’s visit to the Field Museum in Chicago last year, when he got to see various fossils and memorably said:

“When aren’t fossils on your mind? They go back millions of years. That’s sick.”

I can’t become a Bengals fan because I’m from Cleveland, and that just wouldn’t feel right. But I absolutely can and should get a Joe Burrow jersey. I love that guy.

Hat tip to Brilliant Reader Michael for passing this along.

The most passionate Steelers and NFL fans among you might remember Cornell Gowdy. He was an undrafted free agent with the Steelers for a little while, got cut, got cut again, and then was brought back during the strike in 1987 when the league decided to go with replacement players. He impressed Steelers coach Chuck Noll with his toughness, and Noll kept him on the team. In 1988, he made him a starter at safety, replacing legendary Donnie Shell.

Gowdy didn’t last long — he was cut early the next year — but, I mean, how many football players start in the NFL? It’s quite an incredible thing. And then Gowdy continued in football. He was a scout in Kansas City for a while in the early 2000s.

Anyway, his daughter Courtney Monet never got to see him play. But she’d heard all the stories and this year decided to go online and watch some of the film. She was so taken by it that, as a gift, she put together a video highlight reel of her father playing.

I don’t know how long this will be up on YouTube, you know — copyright and all that jazz. But Courtney says that she gave her father the video for Christmas and, she says, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile so much.”

I’m normally pretty tolerant of those Allstate “Mayhem Like Me” commercials because the actor who plays Mayhem — Dean Winters — is pretty much the greatest in everything he does. Greatest on 30 Rock. Greatest on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. And he’s the greatest as Mayhem.

But …

The Kiss Cam Mayhem commercials is killing me. Absolutely killing me.

The commercial itself is whatever. I guess the idea is the husband/son of this woman are watching TV, and they see their wife/mother kissing someone on the kiss cam, and this leads to them tipping over the grill, which causes a fire, you know, the usual mayhem.

But, and I hope at least a few of you are as bothered as I am by this …

They don’t show the kiss cam on television.

Ever.

What is supposed to be happening here? Are they getting the in-stadium feed at their house? Yes, I know, it’s stupid to look at a commercial where a person represents mayhem and fact check it … but I’m sorry, the Kiss Cam thing is just a bridge too far.