At home, I have a notebook. Actually, lots of notebooks. They are filled with a million thoughts, ideas, essays, jokes, scraps, and all sorts of silliness. They were never meant to be read. And yet …
I titled this one Beautiful Enchantress.
It is about one of my favorite movies: Beauty and the Beast.
Once upon a time in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind.
But then one winter night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within.
And when he dismissed her again, the old woman’s ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress.
Prince: I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were a beautiful enchantress. How was I supposed to know that?
Enchantress: It’s too late. I see there is no love in your heart.
Prince: That seems kinda harsh.
Enchantress: For that, I’m turning you into a hideous beast.
Prince: A hideous beast? No. Please don’t turn me into a hideous beast.
Enchantress: Yes, I’m turning you into a hideous beast, I decided. That feels like an equitable punishment for turning away an old beggar woman offering a rose.
Prince: That’s not equitable at all. Wait, is this your first curse?
Enchantress: This is my first curse, yes. But I graduated top of my class at the Enchantress Educational Institute, so you’re in good hands.
Prince: It doesn’t feel that way at all. You’re turning me into a beast forever because I didn’t let a complete stranger in?
Enchantress: Who said forever? I never said forever.
Prince: So, it’s not forever?
Enchantress: Um, it might be forever. But I guess it wouldn’t be much of a lesson if it’s forever so, um, I’m going to say: It depends.
Prince: It depends? On what?
Enchantress: On what? Right. OK, how about this: If you can love someone by your 21st birthday …
Prince: Wait, how old do you think I am?
Enchantress: I don’t know … Eleven?
Prince: Yeah. That’s right. I’m an 11-year-old orphan. Do you think maybe this is kind of a harsh punishment for an 11-year-old orphan?
Enchantress: I offered you a single rose.
Prince: What am I going to do with a rose? I’m an 11-year-old boy. Maybe if you had brought a Jackson Chourio rookie card or something.
Enchantress: The point is: You should have been nicer.
Prince: This is so crazy. OK, fine, I’m a hideous beast, but the deal is that if I love someone by the time I turn 21, I stop being a beast? Is that what we’re talking about?
Enchantress: Yes. … Um, wait, no … There has to be more. Our curses are supposed to have lessons. OK, how about this: You have to love someone by your 21st birthday and, um, earn their love in return.
Prince: Earn their love in return?
Enchantress: Correct.
Prince: By my 21st birthday?
Enchantress: Correct.
Prince: You have to realize how insane this sounds. How am I supposed to find my soulmate by my 21st birthday when you’re turning me into a hideous beast? Many people never find their soulmates at all, and they’re not hideous beasts.
Enchantress: Should have let the old beggar woman in, I guess.
Prince: Um, OK, fine. I guess I’ll go on Hinge. Maybe if I put together a good profile …
Enchantress: Oh, no Internet. But I’ll give you a magic mirror.
Prince: What will that do?
Enchantress: It will be your window to the outside world.
Prince: Will that help?
Enchantress: No.
Prince: You are terrible at this, you know that? This is so unfair. It’s so clear you’ve never cursed anyone before.
Enchantress: Well, that’s mean. I’m doing my best here.
Prince: Whatever. I’ll figure this out. I’ll send my servants out into the village and see if they can set up some blind dates. Lumiere is kind of a charmer and …
Enchantress: Oh, no, no, no, that won’t do at all. I’m placing this curse on the whole castle.
Prince: You’re cursing the whole castle?
Enchantress: Yes.
Prince: Why? What did everyone who works here do?
Enchantress: They, um, just stood by, um, while you, um, just turned away an old beggar woman. They should have done something.
Prince: Wait, so, because they should have done something, you’re turning them all into hideous beasts?
Enchantress: No. I mean, who said anything about turning them all into hideous beasts? You’re the only hideous beast. Um, I’m turning them into, um, you know, not hideous beasts, for sure. I’m turning them into …
Prince: You don’t have any idea, do you?
Enchantress: Of course I do! I’m turning them into, um, you know, well, furniture.
Prince: Furniture?
Cogsworth: Furniture?
Lumiere: Excusez-moi?
Enchantress: Yes! Furniture! That makes perfect sense. They, uh, stood there like furniture while you refused to let the old beggar woman in, and now they will become furniture!
Mrs. Potts: What? Love, you can’t turn everyone in this whole castle into furniture. I’m sure you were taught better than that. That wouldn’t be fair at all.
Enchantress: What is your name?
Mrs. Potts: Potts.
Enchantress: I’m turning you into a coffee pot.
Mrs. Potts: Did you say you’re turning me into a coffee pot?
Enchantress: Or tea. You can brew tea too.
Mrs. Potts: So you’re a monster, is that it?
Enchantress: No, I’m a beautiful enchantress. Tell you what, how about I turn your kids into cups, too. That way you can all hang out together. OK, does everyone understand the curse now? The prince will become a hideous beast, and some of you will become furniture, but also some will become tableware. Cutlery, maybe.
Prince: Are you saying all these innocent people in the castle will stay inanimate objects if I don’t earn someone’s love by the time I’m 21?
Enchantress: I never said inanimate.
Prince: The furniture and dishes will talk?
Enchantress: Yes. Sure. Why not? Um, and not just talk. They can sing. They can dance.
Prince: And you’re saying I’m the one with no love in my heart?
Enchantress: I think the French one should be a candelabra.
Lumiere: Excusez-moi?
Prince: We’re all French. This is France.
Enchantress: He’s the only one who sounds French.
Prince (turns to dog): Sultan, you have been my only friend all my life. At least I’ll have you.
Enchantress: I think I’m going to turn the dog into a footstool.
Prince: Wait, what was that?
Enchantress: A footstool. Yeah, I think the dog becomes a footstool.
Sultan: Woof?
Enchantress: OK, I think that’s about it. Best of luck. I’m going to leave the rose — if you can, um, what did we say? Oh yeah: If you can fall in love and earn her love in return by the time the last petal falls, the spell will be broken. If not, you are doomed to remain a beast for all time.
Prince: This is a horror movie, that’s what this is.
Enchantress: Not at all. This is a children’s movie.
I'm picturing Kristin Bell and Ryan Reynolds in this version. A good way to start a cold rainy November Monday in Minnesota. "We're all French. This is France." "He's the only one who sounds French." :D
Just noting that our puppy, an 8 month-old rescue from the local shelter, is named Belle. And just like the one in the movie, our Belle likes books. Very tasty, those books. And shoes. And just this morning, a pair of glasses. So far no tea pots, clocks, or feather dusters, but give her time. Our own little 85# pyrenes mix princess, just like the one in Disney.