Hey Everyone —
We usually try to take weekends off here at JoeBlogs … but our guy Nick Kurtz wasn’t having it, not after that game last night. I say “Our guy Nick Kurtz,” because a year ago, Kurtz was hammering baseballs about ninety minutes North of us at Wake Forest, where our younger daughter goes to school.
On the PosCast this week — well, really the last two weeks — Mike and I have been categorizing the greatest home run hitters as either Monsters or Oafs*, and while I don’t have time today to go into all the details (Nick Kurtz’s impossible game demands immediate, emergency attention), I will just tell you that we consider Oafs and Monsters the two coolest things you can be in baseball.
*Or, if they are smaller, “Schwarb Oafs or Mookie Monsters” — it’s a whole thing. I don’t know why the FCC didn’t stop us from podcasting years ago.\
And Nick Kurtz is the most promising oaf to enter the game since, I don’t know, Jim Thome? He’s 6-foot-5, 240 pounds, and this was the photo of him in the Wake Forest media guide:
I mean, is he the most lovable oaf you’ve ever seen in your life or what? Mike breaks down Oafs and Monsters this way — Oafs make you think of the BFG, and Monsters make you think of the Predator. Shohei Ohtani is a Monster. Elly De La Cruz is a Monster. Aaron Judge is a Monster.
And Nick Kurtz is the oafiest oaf imaginable. There’s not a single ounce of predator in that kid. I’m going to get a Nick Kurtz jersey immediately.
Where do you even begin with this game?
On Friday, the Sacramento A’s — who are terrible and have the worst owner in sports and do not even acknowledge the city where they will play for the foreseeable future — played a pretty meaningless game in Houston. They came into the game trailing the Astros by 18 games in the standings.
But this was their night. Houston started rookie Ryan Gusto, who, alas, lacked gusto. In the first inning, Gusto gave up four hits, including singles to the A’s rookie dynamic duo of Nick Kurtz and Jacob Wilson. Those two came in as co-favorites for American League Rookie of the Year.
Those two would not leave the game as co-favorites.
In the second inning, Gusto tried to fool Kurtz with a slow curve. Kurtz blasted it 108 mph over the high left-field wall at whatever they’re calling Minute Maid Park these days. He hit it so hard that the left fielder didn’t even have time to move before the ball soared over his head.
In the fourth inning, with the A’s already up 6-0, Gusto tried to throw a fastball by Kurtz. He did not quite get it by. Kurtz mashed it high off the wall in left-center — it would have been a home run in six ballparks, but here it was a solid double. That was curtains for Gusto, and Kurtz was a triple shy of the cycle.
I’ve never quite known what to make of anyone being a “triple shy of the cycle.” It feels dumb since the triple is the hardest part. It’s like saying, “I’m one discovery away from the Nobel Prize for Physics,” or “I was one number away from winning the lottery.” By the way, do you know who has the most TSOCs (Triple shy of Cycle)?” You might actually be able to guess this one, so I’ll give you a minute before revealing it.
Back to the game. Kurtz was well aware that he needed a triple for the cycle. Minute Maid Park is historically neither a good nor bad triple park — there are a few nooks and crannies where you might find a triple — and in the sixth inning against reliever Nick Hernandez, Kurtz again crushed the ball the other way. But he hit it much too high and far; the ball sailed over the left-field wall for his second home run. Ah, so it goes. There would be another chance for the cycle.
And there was — Kurtz came up in the eighth inning against another reliever, the Kurt Vonnegut character Kaleb Ort.*
*I have long believed that Chadwick Tromp is the most perfectly named Kurt Vonnegut character in baseball — but Kaleb Ort is really good. Other nominees:
— Mason Fluharty
— Jorbit Vivas
— Akil Baddoo
— Orion Kerkering
— Gavin Lux
— Landen Roupp
At this point, the A’s led 10-2, and the cycle was the interesting thing left to think about. Ort challenged Kurtz with a high 97-mph fastball. Nick Kurtz hit the ball so hard that I believe it disintegrated in mid-air.
Home run No. 3! (Tim Warner/Getty Images)
“Oh … my … gosh,” the announcer said because there was nothing else to say. Kurtz hit a 30-for-30 homer* into the right field upper deck* — the official exit velocity was 113.8 mph, but I’m pretty sure that was recorded by one of those cliché police officers in the movies who is sleeping in his car and is woken up by a car racing by at an unfathomable speed. He looks quickly at the radar gun and sees 113.8 mph, and immediately turns on the sirens and starts racing after the car he will never catch.
I use this utterly obscure reference that only 1% of you will enjoy to make the argument that Kurtz’s ball was hit MUCH harder than 113.8 mph.
*You might remember that a 30-for-30 homer is one that would be gone in every ballpark in baseball.”
That should have ended things right there — with Nick Kurtz a triple shy of the cycle. The answer to the trivia question — who has the most TSOCs?
Well, who did have the most TSOCs?
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